Won't You Be My Neighbor?

A while back, I wrote about our next door neighbors moving away in . (Right now, any new readers are thinking, “What kind of column did I stumble into?”)

Well, they moved, and we now have new neighbors. New neighbors that all of the families in the cul-de-sac have stopped by to meet and welcome to the neighborhood. All of the families but ours, that is.

I take full responsibility because I am terrible at this. Not at meeting new people. I love meeting new people. I love going to parties, I love my blogger meet-ups, I love meeting friends of friends. I even like meeting other people's neighbors. It’s just meeting my own neighbors that scares the bejesus out of me.

And rightfully so. In a more temporary setting, you can say something dumb and people will find you delightful and think what a refreshing alternative your scatological observations are to the heavy political discussions that can dominate area social gatherings. But act like a buffoon in front of someone with whom you share a street, and they stand there shaking their heads and muttering things under their breath about declining property values.

As such, I have come up with a strategy for just this type of situation, which I have implemented in the past – and one I enthusiastically recommend:

Step One: Lead with the best representative from your family. Have that person (my husband, in our case) establish the groundwork for an amicable relationship. Tactics to employ here would include waving or saying “hi” when you are in the driveway to retrieve your mail or the newspaper. (Note: this is most effective if the family representative remembers to wear pants while engaged in the aforementioned activities. That’s a mistake you make only once.) (Fine … twice.)

Step Two: Give birth. (Note: You may need to modify this step if you are male, past your childbearing years, hate children, already have plenty of children or are childless by choice. If any of those apply, you may substitute a lovable and well-behaved dog.) The point is establishing some cred by having an adorable dependent. This may be done as a precursor to, or in conjunction with, Step Three.

Step Three: Spend a good part of your income doing home improvement projects. In addition to providing you with a whole slew of conversational topics (delays! costs! contractors driving Ferraris!), this shows an investment in and commitment to the neighborhood.

When you have completed these steps, congratulations! You have now established enough goodwill to be yourself when you meet your neighbors.

Then, if you say things like “I can count my favorite four or five teachers on one hand,” during a spontaneous neighborhood gathering (for example) or if you (hypothetically) fall out of your chair when you’ve had nothing but water to drink, they give you a pass and think you are just “charmingly flaky,” or “endearingly eccentric,” and not “on a weekend pass from the institution.”

And they also give you that cute little nickname they came up with just for you: “Buyer’s Remorse.”