Occasionally, I will slip and use profanity in front of my daughter. And of course when I do, she is quick to chastise me and let me know I should not use that sort of language. While I can appreciate the reminder to remember my audience, I cannot help but think of many more generally acceptable terms bandied about in everyday conversation that are significantly more offensive than swear words.
Words like, “moist” and “dabble” and (obviously) “appletini.”
As much as I detest those words, there are no suitably concise alternatives for them, so I am somewhat accepting of their usage. And by “somewhat accepting,” I mean if you use them in my presence, they better be in the following context:
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“I’ve made millions dabbling in pork belly futures, the bulk of which I want to give to you. Let us celebrate with a moist appletini.”
I’m much less tolerant when people use dreadful sounding words and phrases that have perfectly appropriate synonyms. To illustrate what I mean, please consider the following:
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Unacceptable
Acceptable
Reason
lover
boyfriend/girlfriend/beau/significant other/special friend/sweetie
I will vomit. On you and your lover.
stool softener
laxative
The graphic nature of the term will make me think about this. I do not want to think about this.
pamphlet
brochure
No one looks good saying the “phlet” sound at the end of this word.
engorged
swollen
Most of us do not work in porn.
anklet
ankle bracelet (only conditionally acceptable)
I’m showing my anti-ankle bracelet bias here.
pustule
blister
Really? You require an explanation?
venti
large
We do not live in Italy. American newscasters pronouncing “Colombia” with a Colombian accent is similarly unacceptable.
panties
underpants
I really don’t have anything against the word “panties;” it’s just that “underpants” is hilarious.
unguent
salve
Do you really want someone to describe what you say as “guttural”?
luscious
delicious
If you use the word “luscious” you are probably using it to describe the ribbon candy in the milk glass dish on your coffee table.
luncheon
lunch
Why the three extra letters? It’s wasteful. And inefficient.
I believe we would be a more peaceful, gentle people were we to agree upon the replacement terminology I’ve suggested above.
And if you don’t agree? Well, I don’t really give a sugar.