Sleepwalking Through Life

At the risk of sounding somewhat immodest, I look terrific for my age. Which, based on recent events, must be somewhere in the 83-year range.

It all began about a year ago, when, after forgetting to take my medication several times, I bought one of those plastic days-of-the-week pill holders so I would remember to take the three pills I require daily: one for an underactive thyroid and two vitamins. So far, this has proven to be highly successful, save for missing the teeth-in-a-jar next to it that would complete the “old fart” tableau on my bathroom counter.

However, I made the mistake of switching up the three-pill-a-day routine by requesting a prescription for sleeping pills this past fall. I had never taken them before, but figured the most effective way to get through a 15-hour flight was to knock back a couple red wine/Ambien highballs upon takeoff and tell my family (with whom I was traveling) I’d see them in Hong Kong.  

I did not end up doing this because I’m a responsible parent.  And by “responsible” I mean I instead opted to stay awake and, thanks to the seat back televisions on Cathay Pacific, watch the entire first season of Californication while my 5-year-old daughter was sitting right beside me. (Keep your shirts on. She was engrossed in her iPad, unlike the guy sitting behind me who contorted himself so much to see the soft porn on my screen I thought he was going to get a hernia.)

As I do suffer from insomnia at times (hey, the end of the Internet is not going to find itself), I have taken these pills occasionally in the months since. However, they are so effective I restrict usage to nights when the next morning it will be acceptable to be minimally conscious ... much like the one-percenters regarding issues that affect the general population.

This past week, I didn’t need them at all. I was so tired I was falling asleep immediately each night. Turns out, there was a very good reason for this: I had mistakenly put Ambien in the pill holder in place of the thyroid medicine. So in addition to not taking thyroid medicine, which prevents me from being fatigued, I was compounding the effect by taking a sleeping pill during the day — FOR THREE DAYS IN A ROW — before I realized it.

I’m not sure if that means I am in a perpetual state of exhaustion so I didn’t really notice, or if six gallons of coffee every day effectively counteracts the effects. I’m just glad that if I have to be 83, at least I’m the Keith Richards version of it.