On the Road Again

Late Easter Sunday night, while still goofed up on a metric ton of egg- and bunny-shaped candy, I logged onto the Internet and did something impulsive. Without much concern for the consequences, I paid money for something I knew would take valuable time away from my marriage and personal relationships and would inevitably cause me a lot of pain.

I registered for a half marathon.

Please note the specification that I registered for a half marathon — not that I registered to run a half marathon, though that is the plan. I am giving myself a worst-case scenario of walking (or quite possibly logrolling) this thing if it comes to that.

I have run two full marathons and two half marathons in past years, and even finished the Shamrock Half Marathon in 2008 in a time I’m not embarrassed to print: 2:09:53. (You will never find my marathon time in print. Let’s just say that I am slower than Oprah. I am also poorer.)

If I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking my half marathon is not so impressive because someone just ran the Boston (full) Marathon in 2:03. Thanks for bringing that up because I have a few things to say about that:

a) Nobody likes a showoff

b) I’m positive my floating skills are far superior to Mr. No-Body-Fat-Marathon-Winner’s

c) You are a sail wind sucker-outer

I got away from running only because of a knee injury following the Shamrock. It resulted in knee surgery and painful physical therapy and I have only recently begun to feel like my knee is strong enough to train again, which I hope is the case because I am certainly not strong enough to deal with my orthopedic surgeon if it isn’t. The orthopedic surgeon was the most difficult part about my previous knee injury because he is ridiculously handsome. So handsome, in fact, I lost all composure and turned into a blathering idiot any time I had to see him. It got to a point where I started making my husband attend all the appointments I had with this guy, not because I didn’t trust myself or the doctor to behave appropriately, but because I needed a translator there who could form complete sentences.

The fact this man saw me while I was under anesthesia and wearing no makeup haunts me to this day and remains a primary motivating factor for me to train safely and consistently.

So think of me over the next few months as I have conveniently timed my training for the hottest part of the year. And also think of me on Labor Day weekend when I am logrolling across the finish line of the Rock 'n' Roll Half Marathon in Virginia Beach.