It's Not the Heat ... OK, It's the Heat

OK, I want to know where all of the people are who complained about how cold it was this winter. You know, those people who bored everyone they worked with and knew by talking continually about wanting a more temperate climate and who even once or twice threatened to move to (gasp) Florida in their freezing-weather-induced insanity.

(Looks in mirror). Oh.

I swore that once the warm weather arrived this year, I would embrace the change as passionately as a governor does his housekeeping staff. Of course, I expected to be eased into the transition and not immediately be thrust into the fiery grip of Dante’s Inferno.

This past week has challenged me and made me suffer in ways no one should have to endure. Ways that are inhuman and border on torturous — and by that, I mean that I occasionally have to go outside.

However, I have noticed an upside to the uncomfortable climate. And that is that there are a number of things from which I can opt out by blaming the unseasonably hot weather. Things such as:

• Viva! Vienna! (Ducks tomatoes being thrown). Listen, I appreciate the festival and yes, we have supported that and every other Vienna festival for several years. But after attending a number of these festivals and every other theme park on the planet to ensure my daughter is exposed to 24-hour-a-day-entertainment, my interest in attending this is indirectly proportional to the thermometer reading: The higher it is, the lower the chance I will attend. In other words, it must be fair weather for me to weather the fair.

• Doing my hair. The thought of blow-drying or straightening my hair on humid days is so egregious to me (the woman who showered and applied makeup during labor so she’d like her delivery room photos) that I have to convince myself less is more. Of course, the timing on this free-spirited attitude coincided with me hosting a small gathering this past weekend. Fortunately, there is also a correlation here. After a couple of cold drinks, I stop caring about how my hair looks. It’s a win-win.

• Yard work and gardening. Right. It is the weather that is keeping me away.

You know, I really cannot wait for winter.