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Community Corner

Getting Schooled

A translation guide to "teacher speak"

Forget youth being wasted on the young. In my opinion, preschool is what is we adults are really missing out on.

Every single day, my daughter is surrounded by friends while wearing comfortable clothes, playing fun games, creating craft projects and enjoying nap time and catered snacks.

Her day revolves around her teacher, who provides positive reinforcement for everything my daughter does, and hugs to make her feel happy and secure. There are theme parties, special guests, music and tumbling, and even some time each week for "show and share," where each child talks for a few uninterrupted minutes about something meaningful to them. While that may not sound all that exciting to some, having a captive audience who would be required to listen to what I have to say is pretty much my wildest fantasy.

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Because I'm all edgy like that.

I suppose we do realize some advantages from preschool, even as adults. And by that, I mean that we are beneficiaries of preschool "teacher speak." You know, that special brand of euphemism that makes you feel like you are not a total failure as a parent even when all evidence points to the contrary. Anyone who has ever received a progress report for their child in this age group knows exactly what I mean, but for those who may not, please allow me to translate:

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  • She can be authoritative with other children = We refer to her as 'Lil Kim Jong-Il' in the teachers' lounge
  • She has leadership potential  = She could not tell the truth if her life depended on it
  • Your child is no longer shy in class = Your kid never stops talking
  • He is very curious = Your kid's hands are constantly in his pants
  • Your child has a lot of energy = OH.MY.GOD.DO.I.NEED.A.MARGARITA
  • He likes to play independently = Your son has no friends and is, frankly, a bit of a sociopath

Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with teacher speak and actually prefer a little sugar-coating when it comes to my daughter. And I'm enjoying it while it lasts, because according to other parents I've consulted, it will come to an end. Another mother recently told me the euphemisms (coincidentally) tend to stop along with the private preschool tuition payments. She said once the kids begin attending public school, the teachers let you know exactly how you lack as a parent.

So, in the next year and a half, when the salad days at her current school end, we'll have to face the grim reality known as honesty.

Both me and Lil Kim Jong-Il.

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